Where the Fault Lies!
by No1butjoe
Summary: MAJOR SPOILERS for 10x21! Sam's thoughts at the end of the episode.


Where the Fault Lies!

By No1butjoe

 **Disclaimer - I don't own Supernatural or any related characters.**

 **Summary - MAJOR SPOILERS for 10x21! Sam's thoughts at the end of the episode.**

I can't get the smell or taste of blood out of my mouth. It's everywhere and I can't escape from it. My eyes are watering and I know it's more from grief than the overwhelming stench of death. I can hear Dean call Charlie's name and, as much as I want to hear her answer back, I know it won't happen. My stomach churns inside and I hold the sleeve of my arm over my mouth, knowing I could be physically ill. The whole time, five words are chanting like a mantra in my head.

This is all my fault.

I was the one who brought Charlie back into this mess. I was the one who convinced her to help me try to find a cure for the Mark of Cain. I was the one who told her we had to keep our actions a secret from Dean. I was the one who begged her to stay in that room with Rowena. And I was the one who pushed her into finding the answers that I couldn't. What did she get in return?

She didn't even have the book! She should've just given them whatever they wanted, but they probably would've killed her anyway.

I can hear Dean next to me, breathing hard as he struggles to keep his emotions in check until, finally, he walks into the small bathroom and over to the tub. I notice he doesn't check for a pulse and I don't blame him because we both know it won't be there. After a minute, I muster up enough courage to move further into the room too. The smell of blood, Charlie's blood that's now on my hands, is still strong, but I try my best to ignore it. I did this. This strong, smart, courageous, Woman of Letters woman is gone because of choices I made and lies I told.

My thoughts still in turmoil, I watch as Dean carefully lifts our friend and adopted sister into his arms. Needing to do something, anything, I move forward to help, only to be met with the coldest pair of green eyes I've ever seen. My brother is a man of few words, but his actions speak so much louder and I can read more in that one expression than I could in a whole book. His shoulders are tense, as if ready to strike like a cobra. Not wanting Dean to do all the work, however, I, again, move forward to help. I watch him step back, gaze locked in a hardened glare.

"Don't."

It's not a suggestion and it's then I take a few steps back as Dean maneuvers around me to leave the bathroom. My heart hammers in my chest and I find it difficult to breathe. Charlie is truly gone and there's no way I can ever fix this. I've gone too far and Dean knows it too. He was pissed before just finding out that the Book of the Damned was never burnt to a crisp. Now? I'm actually afraid of what he might do. Charlie's death could set him back even further and I have no one to blame but myself for it. All of it. Charlie is dead and Dean is on a downward spiral into, once again, becoming a demon.

Still standing in the doorway to the bathroom, I turn to see Dean cleaning the blood off of Charlie. His touch is gentle, even though I can tell he's grieving in a way only he would. His emotions are completely shut down, eyes expressionless and dull as he methodically works.

"We're giving her a hunter's burial."

His words and voice surprise me, but I know he's right. It's the least we can do after all Charlie did for us. I nod and swallow hard, not knowing what to do or how to keep myself busy so I won't be in the way. There are tears on my cheeks, but I ignore them, too drained emotionally to bother wiping them away. Besides, it isn't as if Dean is paying any attention anyway.

"W-What can I do to help?" I stutter, hopelessly.

Dean stops what he's doing and actually looks up at me, eyes cold and dark.

"Don't you think you've done enough?" he answers, venomously.

I flinch at the roughness in his voice, but I know Dean's right.

Charlie's dead because of me. All because I lied about the Book of the Damned. And now I could lose my brother too.


End file.
